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Fashion Reviews 4- A New Hope

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to a show...

This is just too easy
soooo spooooooky

Wow, you suuuuure look evil bro. Few things are worse than goth, save only when it's done poorly. Go back to your 'industrial' club and smoke another clove cause Robert Smith called and he is NOT pleased. Gentleman, coming from a man who wears a little eyeliner now and then, when applying makeup on yourself - on a guy a little is A LOT! Why don't they write that on the insert to NIN, The Cure, or Merzbow albums? Even Al Jourgenson at his most cracked out would never be down with this. Also, as a side, if you are fat just stop. A little can be covered up by the slimming affects of black. If you are going 'goth' [and I know you don't want that title but shut the fuck up] you need to be at least 6 foot 2 and more emaciated than a vegan. If you can't do this then just stay in and think you are 'alternative' by reading Slave Labor comics. No one cares.

Cool clothes I will never be able to afford

Distressed seams, faded images, raggedity cut and a huge hood. All this for probably $300. Fashionable, yet DIY? Honestly I like the clothes I was looking at that they make at Junker Designs. I just could never afford to look like shit. Some people can and do. I just think that anyone who is into this look should be doing it for themselves, otherwise they are obvious poseurs [yes I spelled that right you fraud!]

Hel kickin it on the wrong side of the tracks
Notice the hand: UNION FUCKIN MADE!

You may ask who this classy lady is. And perhaps some of you gents/ladies know. This is the thrash machine that punched nofashionLou in the throat at Hellfest. We can pretty much tell that she has got the right attitude and doesn't give a FUCK. First off, more ladies need the dreads- not just for hippies anymore. Big boots with fish nets- all signs point to awesome. And this 'little black dress' needs to be seen at more shows [ok, not this one in particular] but bunnies with inverted stars are pretty cool. Whats with the androgeny at shows anyhow? Ladies go all out if you are going out, dress up to HAVE FUN for Chrissake. Don't just dress like effeminate dudes, leave that to Turbonegro. Finally let's put our hands together for PBf'nR! Cheap and not THAT bad.

Two different shades of navy blue? NO!!!
brick to the face!

Who said that jean jackets should come back? we know we didn't give the authorization. we okayed the sleeveless biker/gutterpunk look, but this is just bad. first and foremose they just aren't warm. second they create a monochromatic color scheme, which for those of you not in the know ONLY works with black. third, with those coke fiend glasses this guy screams date rape and child molestor. don't be fooled ladies, the only people who wear jean jackets are people who are into The Strokes (well any band with The 'Nouns' as a name) and we all know those bands will be passe in 6 months.

...When you pry them from my cold dead hands...
what up Miss Kitty?

Me-ow! This may not be PC to say, but guns are cool. Honest, goin out and shootin' shit is a good way to spend your day. You don't have to shoot animals and if you are responsible accidents don't happen. With the Boy Scout lecture over, wearing a shirt like this annouces you as a punk rawk cowgirl. Throw in the kitten collar and ears and you will have the boys firing off 'cat-calls' all night [c'mon, I HAD to say it]. If more gals started wearing ears like this and cat masks, shows everywhere would be that much more fun.

Hey, I found a Cheeto
gosh dern bottom feeders

As you can see here is a lovely specimen of the rare Matt Kurze, alledgedly only 2 remain on this planet; sources say that may be over critical mass by a full 100% . Regardless this Matt Kurze knows how to rock [so much that it knocked him off his feet], and the right fashion sense too boot. The Gimme 5 know that an integral part of moving the audiences' collective booties is to dazzle with the proper attire. This not-so-corporate look says "I'm here to take you over, but not in that 'hostile' kind of way". The jeans with the tie is the crucial part here. Just becareful, if that tie gets caught in a misplaced woodchipper that happens to be at the show...


wow... i am sooo rocking out!

First off: is this even a chord?! Just look at these anorexic pieces of scumfuck poach a perfectly good Flying V! Its not even plugged in! Look, no quarter-inch chord to even connect it to a remote unit. ARRRGGGGHH! These are the American Eagle clones that ruin a show; they bring their boyfriends that are wearing the shirt of the band playing and 'rock out' during the one radio song. OR their boyfriend is in the shitty bar band playing so she got in for free and didn't have to blow the doorman to get in. Cartigan with THAT undershirt? Social sucide I tell you. Those pants- bad. Just really bad. Don't get your rock out moves from American Eagle... I'm warning you. Go wallow in your lameness with the All-American Rejects

Here's a variation on the whole 'bandito' look
hmm, and I thought my bandana stank

We all know the 'bandito' look. Go to Hellfest for a day and you know what we mean [yea we know, wearing a bandana there was to keep outthe dust- whatever]. Using panties though is genius; keeps the dust out and allows you a spare 'just in case'. Plus as an added bonus you can throw them at the band after. Why did that craze never catch on in the hXc scene? Every other stupid retro trend did, BUT that. All I know is that if it' good enough for Tom FUCKING Jones, it's damn well good enough for Darkest Hour.

Our very own Roach is all grown up and rocking
just look at that trash hair!

Let's be fair, hair a flutter in the wind is the surest sign of a band rocking hard in a still photo, and with that much of a coif we know its the real deal. Haven't we all had enough of hard core bands doing the slow f/stop thing so the person being photographed is just a blur. Stop, it doesn't make you artsy, and if you ARE an art student you should be ashamed [not just because your an art student, but because that style is even more cliche than splatter font]. Regardless, note the lightening bolt on the bass.... IT'S LIKE HE'S PLAYING FUCKING LIGHTNING! LIGHTNING!

Grant makes the track jacket work...
Feelin' lucky punk?

Is that a 45 Magnum? You know the most powerful... uh... handgun in the world? Oh it is? And pointed at me? ......Honest, whatever..... I said ....about track jackets......I take it back. Well at least yours Grant....... You... uhh... make ... it look....umm.... deadly.... ? Red... absolutely stunning! Yup stunning! Please don't hurt us!

All My Friends Drive A Low Rider

Cruisin' on a bike in the fall. Sure your fingers hurt like sons of bitches, but this kitten knows that to ride one of these is to ride in style. Thus the obvious 'Hoods UP' look. Few things scream "I'm a bandit" than this. Plus that facial expression says 'I don't give a FUCK about your fashion website.... I am on a goddamn Low Rider muthafuckah!. Lick me where I pee!'

For Those About To Rock...
You've been... THUNDERSTRUCK!

Hmmm, a good tattoo with bad placement. Thank the lord above that your wearing a black Angus Young tee. You had better be able to name some tunes not on 'Back in Black', that's just too easy. Anyway, I have seen too many people get good ink in bad spots. I know you aren't out to impress me persay bro, but c'mon, it just doesn't sit right.


There IS a class war going on and the elite are winning: 80% of this nation's wealth is held by the top 10%. That is fucked up. No one cares, or do we? We are the ones that can instrument change. We have seen too many people we know go forward and be just as self indulgent as the generations ahead of us, and even though we preach til we are blue in the face does it seem like we are gainign ground? Get on the independent media circuit, go to protests, and if you are afraid of being on camera, cover up. No laws against it, and we have the CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT to do so. Go be a warm body and if the situation calls for it, rise against the establishment- and still NOT be apart of mob mentality. We can do this!

Beard season is just around the corner, if you aren't there already