|
Hey Kids! Thanksgiving is behind us now, and we are entering the zone for those "winter pounds". We're all
well aware that THIN IS IN, and that hardcore bands are soon to stop making skull and crossbones shirts in extra-large (or
even large, out west) so we all owe it to each other and the Other Kids at the shows (who we're too cool to interact with)
to start looking progressively better at every scene-tastic group gathering. One way to do this is to have new clothes,
one way to justify new clothes is to shed some dead weight. There are a couple of ways to do this: one is to take off
your backpack (that was over in like '97, bro) and the other is to get hip and rock mad scrawn.
I myself recently lost about twenty pounds, and a number of kids were all up on my shit about where it went.
Frankly this is NOT science friday and I am left to suppose that most of it is in the glove compartment of nofashionLou's
highfashionJetta, along with my dignity. We might never know for sure, but it was also mentioned that others, too, wanted
the weight loss god's to steal away their mass. While I'm not a nutritionist, I did study Human Nutrition in college,
for a couple semesters, and my mom has mentioned that I "could use a few pounds". This is great, because if i was a
girl, she'd be telling me I was doing great and could stand to lose about ten more. I'd also listen to Bright Eyes, but thankfully
I'm all man, in my 'Jammies.
This article is only what has worked for me, and is not meant to piss off fat Kids. There's a strong fondness for
being fat in rock and roll-I even own a Crowbar hoodie, Bro! But since I have tough friends i refer to it as a 'hood.
Now that the PC apology is out of the way, let's set a few ground rules for the superfashionclaude superfashionDietPlan:
1. You'll need to be a strict Ovo-Lacto Vegetarian. I know it sounds silly but it works.
When i started in '95 i lost 40 pounds by adding poverty and living on ramen and food club corn flakes. Read labels
and be strict. No geletin, because it's made from like baby seals and bunnies. If you wanna REAL scene points
be vegan, I'm too lazy for that and I love my leather jacket too much.
(an aside- yeah, you CAN be vegetarian and wear leather. The wonderful
part is that you don't have to take shit from Kids that have been vegan for 6 months about it when you've been a STRICT Ovo-Lacto
Vegetarian for longer than they have been a teenager. You actually NEVER have to explain yourself, unless you are trying
to sound smart so you can hook it up with some hippie chick-ewww)
Anyway less burgers and steak means less fat. Fuck protein, that's where the "Ovo-Lacto" part comes in, you might
want to take a multi-vitamin or at least a B12 suppliment. Ladies might want to cook in a cast iron pan as that triples
the iron content in your food and Vitamin C helps you absorb iron as well (iron is used, i believe, in the production of hemoglobin
which carries oxygen in your blood, ladies tend to lose more blood than guys on a regular basis).
Lastly, if your "doctor tells you that you have to eat meat" tell him to fuck himself. 90% of medical doctors are
NOT trained AT ALL in nutrition, and if you need to, talk to an actual nutritionist. Think of the chickens.
2. You are going to have to chain-smoke. Nicotine is a stimulant and this can serve to quell
your hunger and increase you metabolism. Both of these are Key and plus it makes you look VERY SEXY.
If you live near an Indian Reservation, i strongly recommend "Native" brand cigarrettes, as they are all natural and only
$1 per pack. They also taste good and your money is NOT supporting Phillip Morris or R.J. Renolds, at least when you
buy cigarretes (I think those 2 corporations own everything, anyway). One nice thing about smoking is that you have
something to do between bands at shows, and something to do with your hands, if you don't have a beard to play with.
3. Coffee. Drink it till your teeth turn black. After a few months your metabolism
and heart rate (when combined with #2) will be through the roof. This is ESSENTIAL to the superfashionDietPlan
and it will give you a chance to say "I need some coffee" to other hipsters, thus providing a subtle come-on, perfect for
ensnaring others for conversation and mild flirtation (see "Getting Girls" series by semifashionEJ).
4. Stay busy so you forget to eat. This helps a great deal, don't starve yourself, for the love
of Rick Ta Life, but DO THINGS. you don't have to do anything cool, i personally don't, but the more you have going
on the less you'll be eating. Roadtrips are good, as are hobbies and jobs involving manly physical labor. The
more things you have going on, the less time you'll spend stuffing your face with twinkies and worrying about stuff that doesn't
matter anyway. You Kids in college shouldn't have any trouble with this.
5. Manage your stress. This is always good for you- some people eat MORE when they are stressed
out, but if you rock #2 and #3 properly you'll have better things to do when you are under
additional stress than mow down on cheese puffs and bon-bons. The prefered way to cope with stressful situations is
to say nothing at all, do nothing at all and properly bottle any adverse emotions (actually any) up inside of yourself.
You then will be unleashing them at your band practices, provided you have a band. If you are without a band, you will
unleash them by mule-kicking kids at shows, a la nofashionLou. If you don't dance or have a band, I recommend picking
a random theme and creating an inane website devoted to it, you'll be breaking a few thousand hits a month w/in a year if
you actually update it and you can vent by letting your sarcastic bros write articles for your site. If you are over-stressed,
feel free to distract yourself using using the premise outlined in #4. It's all about having your body
in "fight or flight" mode, as this also increases you metabolism. The name of the game is planning.
6. Drink Less Beer. This unfortunately includes 40oz malt beverages. If you HAVE to
drink beer, stick to light beer and pabst. The occasional 40oz is ok, provided you drink it with your bros. For
weekend social events, I recommend buying the smaller bottles of Irish Whiskey, Scotch or Bourbon (Again, see semifashionEJ's
"Getting Girls" series). I don't actually know how much of a difference this makes, but hey, it works. If you
are straight-edge, you shouldn't need to lose weight anyway, but i guess you could skip this step, for a year or so.
7. Avoid everyone you know, except for your Bros. This way you don't end up getting "something
to eat" with strangers or get distracted from all the things you might have going on. Your Bros don't give a fuck if
you eat because they are too busy being RAD. Eating with your Bros should only really happen an hour or so before binge
drinking, or the morning after binge drinking. Avoid everyone else because they all suck. After awhile this can
be super cool, as you will get to hear all the gossip about yourself from people whom "you haven't seen in forever".
This of course does NOT include shows, or Halloween parties-because you gotta.
8. No Sweets. Dental Insurance, much like Health Insurance is NOT punk rock and if you have either
you are a sellout little bitch. While Maddy from Razorcake might disagree, MINIMIZE your candy intake. If you
need a sugar rush, try this proven alternative: get one of those "energy drinks" and pound that weird little can, now drink
some top-shelf-style Irish whiskey. Not only will you have made sugar seem completely lame, but you will be able to
exert new and powerful influence over strange girls during hip-hop parties at the 946. For real dawg.
9.- Eat Broken Glass and Piss Gasoline.
Alright Kids! Here's the best part of the superfashionDietPlan: Now you eat WHATEVER YOU WANT! AWWW YEEEEEEEEEAH!
Now that your metabolism is up you have the power to eat freely and just be content knowing you plainly don't give
a fuck. It's a lifestyle decision, plain and simple.
It's also good NOT to do sit ups or crunches- stay a little soft in the ever shrinking mid-section, if you can:
this way you won't intimidate anyone with one of those "skinny six packs", they kind vegan's get because they have no body
fat, not from working out. A little fat is good, so if you're broke and away from home you can live a few days on it,
much like bears do in the winter.
Please do not lose sight of the fact that the superfashionDietPlan is in no way about vanity or being self-absorbed.
This diet is a modern version of the classic "rock and roll" lifestyle diet. These new times require specific adjustments
to time honored traditions. A fingernail of coke just isn't hip like it was fifteen years ago. Actually it's pretty
fucking lame.
As we all know the rock and roll lifestyle is now all about clothes. Please make sure all offerings are: shirts-M
Pant's 33" or 34" waist and 32" inseam. thank you. again, i am tired of typing and this article end now.
|
