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How to be Metal!!!!

semifashionEJ explains some key points of you new Kids

Being metal is a pretty complicated affair.  There's a lot to consider, how old are you? Do you like that schlocky black metal crap? And so on. So: keeping that in mind lets get right down to it. I've decided to break this up into a few sections, much as nofashionLou has done with his oh-so helpful guide to getting the scene gash.


Metal is more than just clothes: it's speech, mannerisms, and musicianship too.  I'll start off with what obviously matters most: how you look.

..is God.

1)Hair. Grow that shit down to your ass. If you stop it at your shoulders, your not being true, and we wouldn't want that. The only exception here is if you're balding or have what I lovingly refer to as an Inverted Jew Fro: If either of those describes you, your only option to is bic your head-sorry.


2)Facial Hair lots of it! Look at pics of ZZ Top-those Texans had some beards. Thats what you want. If you have a job or some bullshit like that there are a few other things you can try.  Mutton chops with a goat is always a fav of those trying to look not quite so ridiculous.

3)Footware. Combat boots all the way. The king of the hill is definitely the German Tank Boot. WARNING! Don't cop out and get the American tank boot if you can't find the kraut ones, thats a major faux-pas, and one that won't go unnoticed. Other good choices include the jump boot (with ever so stylish zipper on the side), or, for a slightly more tame look, a pair of Docs.  If you ever wear a pair of sneakers, you're out of the club.

4)Shirts. Black short sleeve t-shirts only. -30 Degrees outside? Sounds like black t-shirt weather to me. Plain black works for all occasions, but you can also rock a shirt of one of your favorite metal bands (which will be black by default) as long as you keep your whits about you (no Vader shirts at a Decapitated show or vice-versa, and no Cannibal Corpse shirts, ever)


* From now on, unless I say otherwise, just assume its black..ok?*

5)Pants. Jeans or jean shorts are the standard here, I mean, really-what self respecting metal guy is gonna wear a pair of khakis? Not too tight, not stupid raver size either (read: big enough to not show your saggy ass, small enough to not look like a fuckin tard)


6)Accesorize! Leather chain wallets never go out of style, so go cop one, ya hear me?


If you wear glasses you gotta get rid of 'em metal is all about bein tuff, and your emo-specs just dont scream "I'll eat your fuckin' kitten".


There is only one hat: its bright pink and says "Stevie Teeezzze Gentleman's Club" on the front. It's pure trucker, and that place has some of the ugliest naked ladies youll ever see.


If you wanna go for that gore-grind look (think Exhumed) you can rock the studded wristbands. Actually,don't: Gore-anything is just lame.


Belts aren't that big of a deal. A plain leather one will do fine, but you can always spice it up with a belt buckle from your favorite alcoholic beverage brewer. 


Bullet casings-while they may be in a bit of slump right now, this is the perfect opportunity to get in on them early. Wait a few months and you'll be ahead of the times, not behind. Put them everywhere you can, just go crazy with it! Look at Goose-thats a fuckin bracelet of doom right there.


Tattoos are cool, but its important that they all be really shittily done: maybe get some guy that just got out of the klink to do it for you. Good ideas for pieces: crucifix, pentagram, demon, pin up girls- combine them all and have a crucified demon with big tits put on you.


*So, you've got the clothes what's left? Well it's obviously music, both what to listen to, and what to play*

1)      There are more different genres of metal than you can possibly imagine: death metal, gore metal, power metal, metal-core, grind, grind-core, gore-grind, speed metal, thrash metal, black metal, power metal, death-grind... and the list goes on. Despite the fact that they all sound exactly the same, they are each uniquely different.


2)      When describing a new album there are really only two adjectives you need to know. If the album is good you will describe it as being really really technical, if its bad just claim that its too slow.


3)      Drummers: the size of your drumkit is directly related to both how big your dick is and how many virgins youve raped and killed. If you dont have at least 40 or 50 cymbals you must be emo. 


4)      Guitarists: you will spend every last cent you earn on your guitar rig.  It should take at least an hour to get turned on, and sound like utter shit.  The solution: spend more money on it, making it take even longer to get set up, and if youre lucky, making it sound even worse.


5)      Bass players: we can't hear you, so just forget it.


6)      All vocalists should strive to sing so low that they make up for basically not having a bass player.


7)      Faster is always better. Always.

Now, not all of this fantastic advice is going to apply to you. One very common exception: the old dude. He's always there, rockin' out, lookin' really like an old dude. Maybe you're at that point where youre about ready to transition into that phase of your life (Looks at sfc). Well, if you are, here's some tips just for you guys OVER 35 and still rockin':


1)      Tight blue jeans are totally key. Really tight.  The best is if you can get a brand which was high fashion about 15 to 20 years ago and cram your old cellulite filled ass into 'em.


2)      The ever present Napalm Death shirt is a must. White is the choice color, but if black is all ya got, then just roll with it


3)      If jeans aren't really your bag, then a nice pair of way too short soccer shorts should do nicely: Umbro makes some nice ones, check 'em out.


4)      Adidas sneaks are the hot new look this year, just as they were in 1983.



I think that about wraps it up for  this edition of How to Be Metal. Any additions, comments, questions, etc belongs in the guestbook.



As an addendum, superfashionchic will be presenting a METAL CHECKLIST, submitted by JohnSlayer Allen Slayer.  Hide the cat.