Male Guide To Being a Scenester:

(or how to get emo-sluts)

This is the how-to of being able to go to a show and look like you are so much more with it than the rest of the guys in the house. So here we go

1)      No facial hair aside from sideburns that go only as far as the middle of your ears.

2)      Cut off your balls.

3)      Hair: this one is kinda tricky; the beginning will be spiky in the front, flat on top. Then you let it go and become shaggy. You can still get it cut while its growing AND be a scenester! Honest! Just go have the hair stylist [yup no barbers for you] and have them cut it so it looks nicely-messy.

4)      Apparel [kind of involved here]:

*Shirts Two sizes too small [regardless of collars or no collars]

*Pants tight pants = asshole. You want as tight as can be, as so to let the gash see you have no balls.

* Shoes - Chuck Taylor [probably black], and white socks ALL the time! Also no animals were harmed in the making of your shoes, just oil companies making a profit off of you.

*Belt White or sparkly. And only losers dont have belt buckles.

*Square black-rimmed glasses DO NOT OVERLOOK THESE!!! Nothing screams trendy more than this accessory. [Even if you dont need glasses get them with no or fake lenses]

*Wristbands I have no idea...umm- to cover the scars from trying to kill yourself? Sure, why not. And, uh, so when people ask if they can try em on so you can be coy and morose. DAMMIT!!! Be Proud OF YOUR SUICIDE ATTEMPT!

*A purse but call it a shoulder bag. In it carry: nothing, cause you are just gonna get beat up anyway and have it ransacked. OK, some stuff to carry:  your cell phone [we all know you have one], portable CD player with oversized old-skool headphones, your bowl [you fucking hippy], a CD wallet, your testicles [in case you ever need to prove that you still have them], a book by Keuroac [cos, you like get him man], and a diary [but you will call it a journal].

*Buttons you cant be a scenester without buttons! To get started you will need 8 buttons. Two of them will be of Vagrant Records bands, Two will be of bands that your friends are in and no one has heard of or will hear of, One vegetarian slogan, One of an 80s metal band [probably Guns N Roses], and One that you found in a box in your room from when you were like 9. Placement is key! One on your hooded sweatshirt [call it a hoodie], Several on your purse, oops, shoulder bag [like 6 there], and one on your hat.

*Handkerchief / bandana fold this neatly once, cause you are to NEVER TOUCH IT AGAIN, for fear of your balls growing back, or something.

1)      Music Another complex arena

*first and foremost The Smiths, trust me, no guy likes em, but it gets you crazy gash!!! Morrissey has feelings, so you must too! Right? Again showing your lack of testicles.

*Guns n Roses Cause you want everyone to know that you rock as hard as Axl!! [shut up on this one, this was the seminal jock/cock rock band ever; if you ever went to one of their shows you would have been slaughtered by steak heads, metal heads or jock assholes. Just keep faking it and say that Slash is an amazing guitarist and yell: SLAYER!!!]

*Anything with clean sounding guitars or ones that are over produced to sound gritty; you wont call it pop-punk but indie-rock or ROCK, you are lying to yourself. Examples: Weezer, Saves the Day, The Strokes, The White Stripes. Fuck it, just go to Long Island, plenty exist there [just be sure to avoid 2 Man Advantage]

*Fugazi dont listen; afterwards you realize you are living a lie.

*Random NewWave stuff like Depeche Mode, The Cure, Duran Duran.

*Dont EVER get caught listening to anything involving Henry Rollins, cause he ruined Black Flag, is a steakhead, fakes his shit, and is no Morrisey. Hes just too insensitive, mean and intense for you!

1)      Carry a digital camera so you can keep adding pictures your website and livejournal. [no one cares about your lame life except like three of your friends who you smoke pot with and/or jam with. Also livejournals are used so you can get that girl from makeoutclub.com to stay interested in your deep and tragic life.]

2)      Say you are a writer not a parasite on your parents.

3)      At parties put on a Radiohead / Smiths / White Stripes album. Stay as far away from AC/DC, Faith No More, or Dropkick Murphys. [These bands are too scary and you will be found out you have invested too much in being a scenester to loose gash opportunities.]

4)      Own an acoustic guitar and try to play Dashboard Confessional or Bon Jovi same thing really. Either way its for the gash.

5)       Talk about your band all the time, BUT DONT EVER GET A GIG! People once again may find out that you arent as into yourself as you let on!

6)       Make sure your band has 3 words for the name. No more, no less!!! 3 is VERY IMPORTANT!!!

7)       Refer to ANYTHING pre-1994 as old-skool, and you must spell it as skool.

8)       Touch another guys pee-pee once, so you can tell the gash When I was into boys [all it takes dude].

9)      Work on your rockin out moves at home. Britany Spears works on her dance routines, you must choreograph too!  The more natural it looks on stage the more you must ACTUALLY rock, right?

10)   Have the side of your nostril pierced OR an eyebrow ring AND have double 0 plugs in your ears.

11)   Get coke fiend glasses. Just like Axl, right?

12)   Do coke just like Axl, right?

13)   Have as many stories as possible begin, So there I was drunk /stoned / tripping/ coked out / trashed This shows the gash that you Give a FUCK!, cause you are an artist / writer/ poet and have thrown off the shackles of society!

14)   Say Thats tough and That rocks as much as you can.

15)   Have a cat. We know guys like dogs, but gash and kittens go hand in hand.

16)   Stars talk about them ALL THE TIME!