So I was watching Montel today and the saddest thing ever happened: two boys killed a girl (actually a virginal blonde haired blue eyed one, the kind of girl that would make Hitler proud to be alive hiding in Brazil as he is still today) because Slayer lyrics told them to do it. Hell, the Slayer lyrics even told them that if they did it they'd become the number 1 band in Hell. What song this is, I have no clue but that's not the point: This isolated incident only serves as a reminder- better marketing is needed for metal bands to put out the truth to the kids, that if you too want to become the Number 1 band in Hell you've got to kill the innocent. Any hack can kill a kitten, that's something even a Cure fan could do while not crying or shooting up smack. For you, the children, I am going to make some suggestions on how we can get more metal and killing in the name of Satan out to the public and put it in the hands of the children where it needs to belong.

Childrens Shows

            Any good marketing saturation starts out at a young age and that's where I'd start. Anything, and I mean anything, involving Vikings needs metal. In battle scenes we would involve heroic metal ballads going on in the background. Songs would be song of the fallen foes and the brave deeds done in the name of the Norse Gods, and- as all good chrisitans know, Norse Gods are down with the devil.

            Next we need to buy out the rights for the old D&D cartoon. NO silly not for the irony or whatever crap the scrawny kids with the stupid tattoos (that they're going to get lasered off their body the day they get out of college) thinks, after all, what were doing here is trying to help out the children aren't we? As has been duly noted by EVERY Christian group with the name concerned somewhere in it since 1982 is the fact that D&D leads children directly to the devil himself. I mean after watching the dorky kid on that show fumble with spells that any 2^nd level mage has mastered who wouldn't want to kill?

            Subliminal messaging. As the old advertising adage goes you gotta get them early. Currently semifashionEJ and I are developing a show for the 2-4 year old crowd as we speak. Its going to be called Happy Happy Fun Fun Time. Only 2 words are going to be ever said in that show: happy and fun. The lead puppet Mr. Crowley is going to have a pet- the black llama, and the only other characters are going to be goat puppets who bah happy and fun. This age group is really not old enough to understand metal or just how cool Satan is, so were going to have to do something a little different and thats going to be in the form of subliminal messages. The key though is that we are making sure to include the subliminal messages ONLY when the words happy or fun are being said, to make sure that the children associate happy and fun with what we want them to. So far in the pre-production we have made note that subliminal images of goats heads, pentagrams, stabbings and metal chix have gone over well with the test subjects. In a double blind study we found that when seeing these images, children were much more likely to want a cannibal corpse CD then they were to choose playing with a puppy.

THE TEEN MARKET

So you're saying to yourself "Don't the teens already like the metal?" Well, yes they do- but it's sadly falling to the wayside of sissy boy music that actually tries to show more emotion then just blind rage and why's that? It's because that's the music you want to listen to (or pretend to listen to, more acurately) if you want to get laid. Which is the exact reason why I suggest coming out with this marketing campaign directed at and for the teens. With enough exposure the Slashing-People-to-Death-In-The-Name-of-Satan-Will-Get-You-Laid Campaign could not miss. The best part is that hardly any money would have to be spent on it to keep it going. As soon as one of those concerned parents groups got a hold of it we'd be on national news. After that every kid would want to slash and dismember just to be cool and really thats all we're trying to do here:  help out the teens.

OTHER SUGGESTIONS

            -Import more black metal bands and give them immunity to the law. If all we could do is extradite and import all black metal band members in jail and gave them governmental immunity we'd be half way there. Kids like to follow their idols, it's a proven fact- ask any concerned family group. Even if we could only get members of Mayhem and Emperor over here with these afore mentioned considerations, we might be getting somewhere with all this talk. Give them a heavy rotation on MTV and I am pretty sure that it'd take off. With the immunity factor theyd be able to burn and kill at will and kids like nothing better than copycatting.

            Better packaging would be a big part of the plan. What we need is more knifes and guns in the whole packaging process. By that I mean more REAL guns and knifes being sold with the CDs. If kids don't have guns or knives how are they going to kill people? Simple facts: guns and sharp instruments kill people, not unarmed metal kids. Maybe even city/county mapping of the surrounding area to help the kids out finding a secluded area to do the deed and/or hide the bodies. After all it's about the kids, and without a proper maps the kids might get caught before they can kill that thirteenth person that'd give them that lordship over a dominion in hell that they'd be allotted if they killed that many people in the name of Satan.

            Which brings us to what should have been mentioned first but is going to be mentioned last: the lyrics. Now I know you're going to tell me that there are some pretty  satanic bands out there that tell of all the virtues of The Dark Lord. Well, see that's where you are wrong- they are NOT talking about the virtues of The Dark Lord in the right way. Here's my several-pronged strategy to really pep the kids up for some good old fashion person hunting: More songs about the virtues of what will happen when you kill for Satan.  If the kids don't know the rewards why are they going to go through the trouble right? I mean it's hard enough to even get them to pick up their clothes in their rooms, let alone stab a complete stranger 49 times. Songs about how everyone is doing it. It's a pretty simple strategy especially when we cross-market with the cigarette companies that are going along with us in marketing the key 12-18 demographic. Songs about proper use of different weaponry (including medieval weaponry because really- whats more metal then a mace?) and guns.  When you get down to it songs about nuclear warfare and medieval weapons are very metal. We could easily win over the man-o-war/sci-fi fantasy metal fan swing group, which happens to be very important in the metal demographic these days, JUST by having people put out songs about maces and pole arms. We at the SFC Research and Development team are hard at work at developing new song themes that we can help get out the message to this worthy cause.

Like everything else this is only being done FOR the children. They are our future and those that we should responsibly be stewarding into the next millennium. If WE can't teach our children to kill and maim for Satan then who can? Who can? After all think about the children.