You haven't gotten laid in months! What do you do? How can you turn your life around? How will you save
your penis from rotting and falling off from disuse? The answer, my friends, is to become a sensitive, misunderstood,
caring artist and stuff. See, the trick here is that since you're probably a
talentless prick, we're gonna do this without forcing you to change anything other than the way you present yourself to certain
people (read: ladies you wanna hump). In a sense, were gonna hook it up makeover style. And before we get started, I know that's not McCauley Caulkin or whatever his name is. I don't care. You
wouldnt believe how rare photos of the real deal are out on the cold hard web.
Stop calling our feminine counterparts bitches, sluts, hos,
whores, chicks, dna depositories, cock holsters, or future rape victims. Use
words like woman, female and, well, those are really the only two I can think of. You
could try and use feminine counterpart, as above, but that sounds mad pretentious, so unless you rock as hard as I do (and
I sincerely doubt you do) you should probably shy away from that one. The ladies (oh, there's another one) will appreciate
the fact that you are placing them on an equal plain with yourself by not using demeaning language. It'll make you seem caring and shit. Remember, this isn't a permanent lifestyle change this is not something
youll need to keep up when viewing a fine film such as Extreme Porno Boot Camp with the SuperFashionTeam.
A little aside is due here. I've never been a real big
fan of Extreme Associates productions before as I'm more of a gonzo-style man myself, but I have to say, this one really won
me over. Any video which gives instructions on how to properly clean one's asshole before a porno-shoot is a winner!
Change your drinking habits.
Beer is for frat boys, rum is for sailors, wine is for little girls, so really all you're left with is bourbon, whiskey,
etc. It'll play into the conception that youre a tortured soul even though you
live in a house with a 3 car garage with mom and pop, as well as making your real friends think youre tough as fuckin' nails.
You can hook it up one of three ways: Jagermeister, Jack Daniel's, or Maker's Mark. You're not allowed to drink Jim Beam or
Johnny Walker just cuz the label is simply not bad-ass enough, and really they all taste like horse piss, so it really just
comes down to appearance-what a surprise! Here's a helpful tip: If you're drinking shots always have a chaser of beer.
What you do is, take the shot but hold it in your mouth, grab the bottle of beer and act like youre gonna take a swig, but
real sly like spit the shot into the beer. When all your friends are
too incapacitated to move you can run mad game on their girls, who, god willing, will also be too drunk to resist.
Comb your hair, but not all that often. Actually, you shouldn't be combing your hair at all! You should be brushing it, because you certainly have
a scene shag good enough to be a founding member of Norma Jean. (See how I made
that reference to a band you know nothing about? That means I rock two to three times more than you. Seriously). Continuing with hair, I really can't say enough about Murray's. The shit makes you look dirty even when
you aren't, and thats a damn good thing kids, since, as an artist, you should be way too concerned with completely irrelevant
bullshit to take the time to shower.
Build a huge library of free-jazz and harsh noise
recordings. Now, I don't recommend actually listening to them, but I would advise my readers to purchase and have lying around as many as they can. See, the less
people can relate to your music the more they'll believe you have a fucking clue. When
they're not around you can return to listening to whatever shitty bands you like, none of which rock as hard as the bands
I like, or me for that matter.
-Since I claimed this was gonna be a makeover of sorts
I suppose I should tackle clothing at some point, but that point isn't gonna be anytime soon.