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Pants are like a second skin. They keep your sun deprived legs covered and give you the handy pockets the good
lord didn't see fit to provide. The good lord didn't provide us with "modern stretch blend" either, but, as with pants,
we figured that out for ourselves. A good pair of pants can combine the comfort we crave and the look that drives the
Kids outside the show smoking/bumming cigarettes to new heights of adolescent arousal and trouser envy. For some of
us the latter is the best we can hope for, but sometimes you gotta settle for looking as fucking rad as you can. Rad
IN THE PANTS, if you will.
Typically, I don't like so spend too much on pants and i'm usually pretty selective about what i want. The right
pair of jeans can be a wonderful thing, but finding the correct pair can take weeks. Lately i've seen a lot
of otherwise killer jeans functionally ruined by the lame new trend of sandblasting the knees and seat for
that "worn in look". That's fine for yuppies that want to look like they "really get down" when they aren't at work,
but some of us actually wear jeans the correct way and lead action-oriented lives- we are able to bust in our own clothes,
thank you very much.
Also, the dyed in "wrinkles" below the front pockets and behind the knees rather piss me off as well.
I usually try to keep my eyes peeled for decent pants, anyway, and this one fateful day earlier in the summer i found
a pair that i knew would increase my personal satisfaction a great deal: these black pants described as "CLEAN FIT TECHNO
FLAT FRONT- Modern Stretch Blend. Clean, Slimmer- fit for work, party or play". By techno, i suppose they were
refering to the "modern stretch blend", because the pants have absolutely nothing to do with huge, lame rave pants, rolling
on E or the soundtrack to the original Atari 2600 Pac-Man game. Basically they were dress pants, with a casual edge.
No pleats either, thus the "flat front" part. Pleats suck, make no mistake. There is never a reason for
your pants to be pleated. I tried these bad boys on and my image consultant dug them on me, which was cool
because i was totally feeling IT for the pants. They weren't kiding about the "slimmer" part either.
I'm over six feet tall, and i have the blessing of the skinniest legs of most people i know. The pants didn't exactly
conceal that point, but the fit was pretty good, actually. I'm also not exactly gifted with a whole lotta booty either,
if you follow, and strangely the pants actually fit my ass comfortably. With jeans some sag back there is fine, as it
can give you the "comfortable but deadly" look. This doesn't really work as well with dress pants, Kids. You gotta
be able to look sharp as Ryan Endicott's hair, when you're rocking the dressy thing, trust us.
So then there was the matter of cost. $68. This is usually enough for me took hook up like two outfits and
have enough left to get my ass kicked at video games. This was a problem, however, because i retired recently and me
retirement fund isn't exactly a 401k. More like it was a tax refund, but enough about my (lack of) finances. $68
is way more than i can typically justify on a pair of pants, no contest. I basically regulated my yearning to simply
playing the "I'll wait till they go on sale" game. This, Kids, is a game that can pull the life out of you quicker than
losing the last Hum album. It's hard on everyone, and it's no way to live. Nonetheless i remained vigilent and
checked when every i was in the area.
If you haven't guessed by now, i'm talking about a MALL store. Yes, my desires were harnessed
by that wicked foe, that destroyer-of-street-cred and taker-of-all-things-DIY-right-outta-your-scene-point-registery.
Before your tears start to rain like blood at an Acme show, allow me to give you knowledge to soothe your aching hearts.
It doesn't count as selling out IF:
1- Item is more than 20% off
2- Item is on CLEARANCE
3- You're buying item to be IRONIC, like this plan i have to buy a bunch
of FUBU stuff...
4- With regard to rules 1-3, Item does not have huge corporate logo,
unless it's "Dickies" or equivelent
5- Item is essential for starting new look, such as "emo" or "crust"
6- Item is purchased from TJ MAXX or other "OUTLET" style store
7- Item is underware, socks or other essential
8- Item is required for topic on your lame fashion website
So this all being, said: shut the fuck up, it's my lame website, i make the lame rules.
So on a lark on fine afternoon, i found myself scampering into the aforementioned hive of corporate control and i
saw the virtual grail of my quest: a tiny sign over the pants rack, declaring them 50% off. This would easily clear
my name should some 14 year old kid call me a sellout! I snaked into the "store" and coyly asked the attendent if the
pants were indeed 50% off, or if it were a cruel trick, meant to teach a young man never to grow fond in the heart
for things that cannot be. "Yeah, those are 50% off", she declared. "word mutherfuckin' up" i thought as i crept
out of the store, a sceme hatching from my brain: borrow $ from the folks! It's a good cause, right?
Fortunately my folks are well versed in my particular madness and they did indeed front me the cash so the ritual "Pants
Dance" could quietly be performed in the wee hours of the morning.
The best part is that there was a shirt that would match the pants AND look hot with jeans there and the person i could
only describe as The Coolest Girl Ever gave me a coupon for $15 off in the same store, so I'll be hooking that up shortly.
I've even paid my folks back, already. This is looking even better than i would like to pretend i do, in the
pants.
So the pants are RAD to the M-A-X: they even have the little textured rubber band inside the waistband to keep your shirt
tucked in when yer bustin' heads in da pit, a handy feature for some more active types. For me it just means i have
something cool to play with when i get dressed. We are all young adults, you know exactly what i meant.
So obviously i had the one man fashion show with my mirror at the first available chance. I totally tried on every
thing from button ups to select rock shirts. Currently my fav combo would have to be the pants and my Botch t-shirt,
although a few other surprises could surface. Hopefully i'll get bored enough to get some pics taken, but don't hold
your breath, Kids. Send records.
The night progressed to the much speculated upon Pants Dance which unfortunately i can disclose
nothing about. Let's just say it could involve the "Black Rider" album by Tom Waits. You can act like
you don't have your own M.O. for your new clothes, but we all know it's a lie. One other new-pants related ritual is
the "breaking-in" of new jeans. This is where you were them for like 2 months a la nofashionLou, and this sweet pair
of jeans he rocks. We all know that this really works, and is a great excuse if anyone actually notices.
You see Kids, it's OK to get excited about pants. I guess that would be the closest thing to an actual point i
have.
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