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Doc Martin's Guide to Avoiding Bullshit in the Dating World

Doc plays bass in the Gimme 5

So you bros out there are looking for a girlfriend? You are entering a totally foreign world, my friends. No two ways about it, the world of relationship hunting defies all laws of logic and common sense. Be prepared to encounter shit that will leave you completely baffled and that gives you an urge to buy a 40 oz or five. Well, you probably have that urge already, but this shit will just make the urge stronger.


First off, understand (if you haven't already) that women do not operate in what one would call a logical fashion. Most of us know this, but few acknowledge it until it is too late. Keep this in mind at the start of your hunt and you will be able to detect bullshit much faster. Also, for further bullshit detecting skills that will help with live in general, read Carl Sagan's essay "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection." Arm yourself with logic skills. Remember that shit they made you learn in Course II math? Logic proofs are not useless, kids. They are actually a tool for life.


So basically, bros, you're looking for a girl who is level headed. This takes some investigation. You can't just get the full extent of level headed-ness out of one or two conversations. Do your research. You must be ready to pick up on subtle clues like body language and things she might say that you might not even think anything about at the time. The truth is, the more you stay aware of these small clues, the faster you are going to be able to deduce a possible underlying mental/emotional instability. If you find such problems at any point, abort the mission. It is that simple. You have to take a stand and make sure that your airport doesn't allow baggage. Not even the carry-on, over-head compartment type.


Ideally, ("Ideally" being the keyword) a relationship should be achieved through logical understanding. The key should be that the entire institution of boyfriend/girlfriend should be looked at with no long term future expectations, be played by ear, and check your bullshit (such as dumb rules like "no window shopping, getting shit for hanging out with the bros/girls," etc.) at the door. To help you out, I have made some useful diagrams. The following is the way that we would like such matters to flow:

Unfortunately, this is usually not how it goes. That would involve common sense and logic and as I have pointed out, most girls don't use that operating system. Instead of the above diagram, you will end up with something that looks like this (refer to the legend at the top of the page for symbols):

With these obstacles in place, you now must plan a route to get to the relationship in the center by first hitting all these obstacles. Remember, bros, this does not require gravitation towards the relationship by the female. The outcome is usually something like this:

Nine times out of ten this is how it will work. This is why we have to keep our wits about us and avoid this bullshit altogether. But, for a moment, let's say that you do achieve a relationship based on the ideal senario or a close facsimile thereof. Congrats! But the battle isn't over yet. Now you must avoid any bullshit that might come your way during your relationship's duration. Hopefully the both of you have come to a logical understanding where the bullshit is kept to a minimum but still be on the look out for it.


Many a useless argument has precipitated due to musical differences. If your girlfriend listens to music you think is shit, distance yourself from her CD collection as much as possible. If she thinks your collection of tunes is nothing but noise, just don't bring up the bands you like. When there is a conflict of musical interest, just avoid the subject.


If for any reason, your girlfriend wishes you to change something about your life, be it your love for hockey, religious preference, substance intake, amount of time you spend with your bros, etc., dump her ass immediately. There should be no tolerance for manipulative behaviour. Being forbidden from talking to an ex you are on good terms with is also considered under this category.


When your girlfriend says "No, I'm fine. Nothing's wrong." she is feeding you a line of bullshit. Read the body language, bros. Obviously something is bothering her and she wants you to notice. To hell with all of that! Ignore her ass until she decides to use words to express how she is feeling. Do not cater to her craving for undivided attention just so she can bitch at you about something. Make her come to you with her problem.


Lastly, keep in mind that not being decisive and absolute on your plans (such as what you are doing for the eveing)is not cool because putting someone one the spot and/or leaving them hanging all day when there is something else they could be doing is a pretty dick thing to do. This works both ways of course. You wouldn't want your girlfriend to tell you that you two are going to go somewhere at sometime with some people to do something and none of these things are specified. Avoid this. Make sure you have good solid plans in action before springing it on your significant other. Things will run much smoother. Not doing this could result in a larger problem altogether.


There are many tips I could run by all of you readers, but most of them are common sense. I'm just trying to give you a few examples and helpful hints to make your love life run a bit better. Check out the dating tips on this website for other suggestions for do's and don't's of dating. When all else fails, rely on the line "It's cool, baby. Relax."