Allright kids, I'm back. Word has it that youre still not gettin' the poon with any measure of regularity, and that totally sucks. You're not dooooooooooooooomed yet though, here: I present to you some more steps you can take to get up in that, and hopefully before you pass out drunk at 7am January 1^st.

So, the basic assumption here is that you, the reader, are having a party at your residence (ooooooooooh, unnecessary big word, a good thing in moderation). I'm making that assumption because I am a writer for a superfashionfuckingsite, and as a result, I can do that kind of shit.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT be a fat ass.  Its just fuckin' disgusting, whether you're trying to pretend you're talented or not, but the double whammy is that by being a cow you make it so can't fit into super hip clothes, which means you have to shop at Walmart. Only hicks shop at Walmart. You don't wanna be a hick, so put down that ice cream cone before you spiral your way right into a trailer park and a moo moo clad wife. Seriously, I can't say enough about this.  If you insist on being repulsive, at least learn how to dress. I'm not gonna be able to offer you any advice right here, since I refuse to in any way associate with you people. This also means if you are gonna eat like a fuckin hog, don't let anybody see you do it.

This is the one time of year it's OK to drink champagne. I know it sucks, you know it sucks, but dumb little girls seem to like it-thats really all there is to say on the matter. That, and if the night isn't goin so well (ie- you ain't gettin that little lady in the sack tonight) it provides you with a plethora of juvenile remarks to make to your bros. I think the illustration to the right shows just what i'm talking about.  A little aside here:  is that MJ opening that bottle of Corbel? Oh, sorry, it's Mickey Mouse. Either way you split it, this is not the type of company you should be keeping, so once the toast is done get back to your primary beverage. See the first article on that tip kids.

Make sure your bros are around, and that they'll make you look good. Don't have your really hip, cool friends there-have dipshits like this dude there. Who is some drunken scene-slut gonna go for you with your awesome record collection, or some random dweeb on a couch? On second thought....

Have one of your bros bring up the fact that you write for a fashion website (if you do). Make sure they say website, and not tripod site. (Note: from personal experience, this one doesn't always work, no matter NoFashionLou says)