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Concerts for Morons: A Guide to the Shit Not to Do/Be at a Concert

sexy.

 

I have been to a fair amount of shows in my life, both large and small, and it never ceases to disappoint me how rude concert goers can be. Most of the shit they pull is just due to a lack of common sense, for the most part. The following is a list of my six biggest complaints against concert goers. [NOTE: I will not discuss moshing in this article due to the fact that my attorney, Oscar Acosta, has already discussed it at length on this website. Please consult his article for the proper moshing etiquette.]

 

Item #1: Couples.

These people should never go to concerts if they can't be separated from their significant other for the duration of the show, much less be more than two feet apart. Every damn show I have ever been to has a pair of these velcro-laden bastards.

The thing that pisses me off the most about them is the fact that they get pissy with anyone around them if the crowd decides to shift. I've actually had couples yell at me for the position altering effects of crowd movement. What the hell is wrong with these rat-fucks? It's more than likely hotter than balls at the venue and these two are adamant about making like eskimos during a blizzard. Satan forbid that they get separated. It might mean that one of them will accidentally get killed by a circle pit or a mob of fans and the remaining love-bird will have to cry out in agony on his or her knees over their object of affection's corpse as the crowd parts at the end of the show.

...Or maybe they can just meet at their car in the parking lot like normal people would.

 

Item #2: Inebriation.

I hate jam bands with a passion. I think that I have figured out why, too. Their music just plain sucks. Don't tell that to a Phish fan or a Dead Head, though. They'll go apeshit and go on some tirade about how the music of these jam bands is able to take you to places that you've never gone before.

Bullshit. It's just the drugs you're on when you go to the show.

I can't stand the fact that these assholes find it nessesary to get fucked up to better enjoy a concert. What does that say about the band you went to see? It tells me that the band sucks ass and the only way their music is anywhere near tolerable is after you've ingested some gel-tabs.

"What did one hippie say to the other hippie when they ran out of drugs? 'Let's get out of here, man. This music sucks!'"

This goes for drinking too. I get somewhat perturbed when people I know find it required to get fucked up before my band's show. I don't think it is the fact that they don't like our music (but I understand if they don't like it) because most of them could give less than a shit what we play. But for them it is manditory to get blitzed.

"What? The bar you're playing lost their liqour license? I can't drink there? I guess I'll go to the bar across the street before you guys go on."

You know what? Fuck you. Stay at the bar across the street, drink your flask outside, and most importantly, stop bothering to come to our shows. No, I am not straight edge. I'm just pissed off at people's priorities when it comes to music.

 

Item #3: Inebriated Couples.

Just the same as Item #1. The only difference being that these people are more inclined to have sex right next to you.

 

Item #4: That Bitch That Won't Shut Up

There's always one of these girls at every show. That bitch that stands/sits behind you and won't shut her fuckin trap the entire concert. I let it slide during intermissions, as much as I would like to bust her mouth loose, but I draw the line at incessant babbling during the show itself. I am almost certain the guy she is talking to doesn't give two shits about anything she says because he's just listening so he can fill her out like an application after the show. I am 100% certain that I do not want to hear her run her trap about shit that doesn't even have anything to do with the show. I was at a concert recently where there was one of these girls and she was blathering on about watercolour painting to her man friend while the band was in the middle of their set. Why did you pay 40 bucks to come and flap your gums? You could have stayed home and done that with the band's CD playing in the background. In fact, I would have prefered you had done this.

 

Item #5: Kids

With the way music is going, I understand this problem is just going to get worse. But, let it be known that us older types (i.e. anyone not in high school anymore) are pissed off with prepubescent posers going to shows and attempting to be hip. Circle pits comprised of youths that can't even ride most county fair amusements are not my idea of a good time. The worst part is the attitude these children have developed. They will give you shit in the "I'm-Punker-Than-Thou" tone of voice as if this scene that they are taking part in was tailored just for them and you are far too old to understand music on any level anymore.

Here's what I suggest: Curb stomp all of these little shits. Most likely they listen to some shitty emo band like Jimmy Eat World and have no clue was music was before a year ago. Kicking their ass is really the true test of how punk they are. If they run home and cry to mom and dad, you haven't just kicked someone's ass and possibly gotten charged with assalt, you've also helped to take back the scene for the older, more knowledgable generation from MTV viewing brats with no pubic hair. Buy them a Dashboard Confessional CD as an apology if you feel guilty.

 

Item #6: The Obnoxious Bitch

No, this is not the same thing as Item #4. This pertains mostly to smaller clubs/crowds. There will always be that girl who feels the need to dispense a shrill scream periodically during the show that makes most people never want to hear again. Is this called for? I don't think so. In a room that won't accomodate an entire college football team in full gear, no one needs to be exerting their vocal chords in any such pitch.

The same girl will also most often try to show she's tough shit by trying to mosh into everyone when no one else is paying attention. All she will most likely accomplish is hurting herself, another person, and breaking some band or PA equipment.

 

If these six problems would just plain disappear from the entire concert/show scene, another six would probably move in and take their place. However, the removal of the above state shit would make me a much more happy concert goer. I am sure it would do the same for you, as well.

Please view my list carefully and try not to match any of those six items when you go to a show. Remember kids: You're there to rock, not to be a cock.